Well, it’s been over a month since I last wrote a blog post for you all.
I have no real reason for this. I have a lot of excuses I could make, but I’m not going to rely on them. It HAS been a busy month. I started my yoga teacher training in June and along with that have been riding a roller coaster of emotions. Joy, fear, sadness, excitement. I just finished the second module of the training two weeks ago and I’m finally feeling up to writing again.
This past month has been really hard to find balance. The world has been full of so much violence and hurt and it has truly been affecting my emotional state. The Dallas shooting was especially close to home (I mean, literally and emotionally). Because I was born and raised in Texas, not that far from Dallas, I was worried that I was going to know someone who was hurt. Thankfully, I didn’t. But I did see friends on Facebook who knew someone who was there. Or who had a friend who knew one of the police officers. And THAT was surreal. I can talk about all sorts of tragedies and how they impacted me – but it was always separated from me. Dallas was, as well, certainly. But to feel the heightened emotions afterwards within the community? That is a totally different thing for me. Although I knew something like that could always happen to me or near me, it drilled home to me the truth of that fact.
And, the violence and the sadness in the world hasn’t stopped.
It’s always been there, I know. But it feels different right now. Maybe I’m more aware? Maybe it’s the upcoming presidential election that has my senses alerted? I don’t know what it is, but there have been days where I want to shut down social media and turn off my phone and just surround myself with the people who make me happy.
So, I just haven’t been feeling the motivation to write. That’s all there is to it. I had the time. I could have made the time, even if I didn’t have it. I just didn’t want to write. No writer’s block. Plenty of topics swirling around in my brain (like always, except for when I DID have writer’s block). Just no motivation.
This yoga teacher training has awakened an awareness inside of myself I wasn’t even aware was there. I find bits of myself at work, in a counseling session. Or talking to a coworker. Or while discussing things with my best friend. Or while reading a book. Everything is just felt 100 times more intensely than it was before last month. It’s a good thing…but also, it’s frustrating.
The truth is…I don’t feel good enough. And this is starting to drive me crazy. I have to be the best at my job. I have to be a good wife. I have to be a good friend. A good daughter. The best yoga student. The best blogger. Etc. etc. I’m finding out now that I’m putting these expectations on myself that are damn near impossible. I will spend many nights tossing and turning, wondering if I am doing a good enough job. At all my roles. This is exhausting, you guys.
And I’m exhausted.
It’s a myth. It’s unattainable. It doesn’t exist.
I tell my clients this at least once a week. I’ve even banned the word “perfect” from sessions before. I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again. But when I think about how I treat myself? I want to be perfect. I strive to be perfect. My goal is to be perfect.
Again and again and again and again I will feel disappointed in myself.
This week I took a sick day. I’ve been feeling under the weather ever since my last teacher training a few weeks ago. Nothing major; I was still able to function and go to work every day. Just feeling tired way more than usual, sleeping through my alarms, losing concentration, sneezing, sniffling, sore throat, and sinus headaches. So, I took a sick day and it was really nice. (Not to mention my first sick day since December 2014. TWENTY FOURTEEN.) I diffused my essential oils and took naps and read books and drank green tea and took an Epsom salt bath and practiced pranayama and restorative yoga. I wrote and I studied for my teacher training and caught up on work that’s not “work” related. I took a day just for myself after a really hectic and busy weekend where I had no time to do those things. But guess what? I felt guilty. Someone had to cover my therapy group that night, and I felt awful about it. For what purpose, though? How was this guilt and this worry serving me? It wasn’t.
I have to practice more self compassion. I need to be nicer to myself. And I think, in a way, taking a month off of blogging was the beginning of that practice. Yoga teacher training is hard, ya’ll. In all the best ways, but still…hard. I’ve been opening myself up in ways that I never thought possible. I’m learning how to find my voice and to summon gratitude daily. I’m learning that pranayama is my favorite part of the yoga practice. I’m absolutely head over heels in love with the yoga community in this city I live in. The people are so lovely and like minded and that is refreshing.
I’ve given a lot of myself away since starting this journey, and that took away from this platform. I’m back, though. Expect a post every week, but if it doesn’t happen, just know that I’ll be back. I’ll always be back.
PS. During my sick day, while practicing pranayama in a hot mint epsom salt bath, I summoned the feeling of compassion towards myself. Yoga helped me realize that I’m good enough, that I deserve a day to take care of myself. Yoga. It’s freaking magic, ya’ll.